you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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