Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
