Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
