Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Randomize
