"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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