Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Randomize
