took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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