just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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