the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
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