Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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