I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
i've created a new STD.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Randomize
