last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
