The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
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