The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
