just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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