i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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