I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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