Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
