I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
