i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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