:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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