Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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