His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
