everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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