there's paper in my vomit.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
