So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
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Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
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Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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