i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
