I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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