I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
