Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
