If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
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