my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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