I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
