Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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