I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
