my mouth tastes like poor choices
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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