did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
