There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
