drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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