a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
