she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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