the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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