only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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