New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
