Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
