My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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