i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
