this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
