hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
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I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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