Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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