So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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