DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
